Inner Conflict - Day 3

Today was the first day where i have actually felt a deep felt conflict within me. It was actually a really difficult day for me and i was thinking all day of what i would write today, how i would explain how i was feeling... i struggle to find the words.

The romance is over... reality is kicking in. This morning i went on a tour of the community where i am staying, Toul Kork. i went the Psar (Market) and it was the most overwhelming things i have seen so far. It was dark and cramped and very very hot. Innumerable stalls packed together with about a meter space to navigate through the tiny alleyways. The smell of raw meat, dead fish was indescribable turned my stomach in such a strong way. Then there were so many beggars, old old people that looked so frail and vulnerable. A man with an amputated leg that swung his body along the floor using his hands, then there was a woman who was stopped over so low she was at a right angle to the ground. Everywhere i turned was something strange, unfamiliar, I felt like a helpless child i couldn’t even ask the price of something on my own. Whenever my housemate where out of sight i panicked, if i got lost what would i do. Its an incredibly hard experience to have your independence completely stripped away from you.

When we got back to the team centre i was supposed to have language lessons and i just started crying. i dont even know why! i wasnt upset but incredibly overwhelmed - i just didnt know how to deal with all the changes, and the heat. its so so so hot, so even not being able to get cool is upsetting!
Its funny because i talked to Serene about it all and she really helped me, and i realised that this is how God is working on me.

Yesterday i was wondering if i made a mistake, it was only day 2 and i was thinking 'what on earth am i doing here!' But God spoke to me today so subtly and dropped into my mind the image of a newly married couple. Does knowing that is the person God wanted you to marry make it any easier? Doesnt mean you are not going to have doubts or wonder if you made a mistake whenever something doesnt go according to plan? No. it just means you know God is backing you and will help you through it.

So in all of the loss and loneliness and isolation, there is a window of light, the knowledge that it is all for a purpose, even if i cant see it right now.
And God being God and being good just reminded me of His awesomeness this evening. In the midst of feeling alone and misunderstood even amongst housemates tonight for some reason I just got my guitar out and started playing some songs. It turns out that the other girl also plays guitar and they used to have fellowship evenings together. So we just started singing from the heart 'Shine Jesus Shine, fill this land with the Fathers glory, blaze Spirit blaze set our hearts on fire, flow river flow flood this nation with grace and mercy, send forth your word and let there be light'. And there and then something shifted... a peace descended and we ended up praying for each other. It was really amazing one of those moments when you know God is just reaching down and giving you a hug in the midst of it all.

L x