Thoughts and Feelings - Day 6

I feel:
Overwhelmed
Tired
Uncertain
Scared
Confused
Lost
Silenced.

So many emotions rush through my head its incredible. Almost unbearable. I feel brought to tears but i dont know why, and so the tears refuse to fall without good reason.
The choice ahead of me weighs heavily on my shoulders because as i approach the crossroads i do not know which way I will turn. I feel like Abraham dragging Isaac up the hill... Sacrifice.

Life of a Missionary = Life of Sacrifice, but is it one that i can make?

I feel torn...
I so want to be here, to help people, to change lives, make a difference. But can i do it, can i give myself over to a lifestyle of tuktuks and stares?...sigh.

My thoughts swirl around my head with no release and God chooses not to bring answers to my questions. I think I'm scared of doing this on my own, maybe I’m not strong enough to survive. I want someone to come alongside me. It’s so much easier to think Us and We rather than Me and I.
I know i need to stop looking at myself, my inabilities, weaknesses, flaws and focus on God, but i so want him to provide the ram and let me off the hook. I so want Isaac to live.

But then again what does that even mean!?

Maybe it means that I want God to be gracious and give me a husband to share the burden. But who would give up their whole life and move out here? Its hard enough for me and i'm the one who heard the call!

Or maybe it means i want God to please use me in another way! Any other way!
I dont actually know, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.

Today i went to the Khmer church, which unsurprisingly was in Khmer! So whilst i was playing mental games in order not to fall asleep (service started at 8.30am, that’s 1.30am UK time!) i decided to guess the name of the baby sitting in front of me. She was about 1yrs old and looked like a Rose, or an Emily. My thoughts soon progressed to other things i started thinking about having my own children, what i would call my daughter if i had one. After a while I decided on Isabelle or maybe Grace; these were my two very favourite names. So i concluded if God was gracious enough to give me a family i would call me daughter Isabelle Grace _______ (surname!).

Now catch this... after the service finished the baby's 4 year old sister and Mum come back from Sunday school. So we got talking, and i asked the girls names and you will never guess what the 4 yr old was called.... yep, Isobelle. And guess the mums name.... uh huh, Grace!!! What the heck is that all about! I was so freaked! (i'm actually laughing as i write this!). Does it mean God has answered my cry and will give me a daughter called Isabelle Grace! lol! If anyone, anyone at all has any explanation of how i was able to know the names of two complete strangers, please feel free to email me: jojosglitter@ymail.com!
This is just a small example of the strange things going on here, hence the non-stop thought and feelings. My dad keeps telling me to ignore the emotions and focus, but i actually think it’s all part of the process. A lady in church called it "Transition" (This was at a different church service, an English speaking international church). I think this is all part of my transition process and I’ happy for it. The lady said that it took God 40 years to get Egypt out of the hearts of the Isrealites. 40 years of painful transition in desert wasteland until the next generation caught the vision and entered the promise land.

I'm hoping it will only take me 5 weeks!

L x